What my Lips have Kissed and What they Never Will
by CupCakesYummeh
Summary: "She should have known that back then and now, her feelings wouldn't change. Feelings like those don't just disappear into the wind and never to return. No, you can dig them, but somehow the mud will slide and expose the very thing you try to hide away." Companion Piece to "Mona Lisa". JelTear. One-shot. T for nakedness and mentioned sexual content. Ultear's P.o.V.


_What lips my lips have kissed, and where, and why,  
_

_I have forgotten, and what arms have lain  
_

_Under my head till morning; but the rain  
_

_Is full of ghosts tonight, that tap and sigh  
_

_Upon the glass and listen for reply,  
_

_A__nd in my heart there stirs a quiet pain_

_For unremembered lads that not again  
_

_Will turn to me at midnight with a cry.  
_

_What Lips My Lips Have Kissed;Edna St. Vincent Millay_

* * *

Honestly, wondered the woman with a sigh, how ironic was it for her to be dry of sex. Seven years ago it was one night stand after one night stand and she never had enough, it was nice that the emptiness was filled for those moments, no matter how much it made her a whore—who honestly cared? Drinking and sex were the two highs that made her feel less not so numb and lonely. Better than cutting, those didn't leave external scars. Though, the time mage corrected quietly, she did have a few short lovers, though the attachment was annoying she needed someone to spend time with some times. Even though then he was different, and that was because of her, Ultear did in fact sleep with Jellal/Siegrain a few times, but…the woman shook her head. It was a silent agreement that the two wouldn't talk about it.

She should have known that back then and now, her feelings wouldn't change. Feelings like those don't just disappear into the wind and never to return. No, you can dig them, but somehow the mud will slide and expose the very thing you try to hide away. It's something inevitable, it's something that can never go away unless you accept it and then move on.

But that's way too easy.

Even now as Ultear lay on the beach, the sun caressing her fully exposed skin she knew that these feelings would never really go away. Though, the time mage would never say anything because Jellal deserves to be happy with Erza Scarlet, and not miserable with her. It was better for a home wrecker like her to not belong to anyone in the first place. It was in her magic, though to destroy things and restore them. That is what she's doing to Jellal, no? She destroyed his life and now, it is time for her to restore it—forget her own happiness. In order for Ultear to truly redeem herself she needs to make Meredy and Jellal happy, and that's enough for her.

But is it enough?

A heavy sigh left the woman's lips and the feet of the ocean water tickled her bare feet as she rested in the sand. Ultear would like to think it is enough, but being selfless is a new thing to her, even now, seven years later. To add to that sentiment, the woman also knew that nothing was enough. Meredy wanted to see Ultear's happiness as well, and so that's why the woman puts on a mask in front of the two. Even the ones she trust cannot know of this internal sadness that picks at her from time to time.

She deserves it.

Closing her dark eyes Ultear let herself get up from the sand, some of it stuck to her skin and hair while the others fell gracefully back to join the rest. Her feet were wet from the water and the woman pushed forwards in the cool depths of the ocean. Soon, not only her feet were immersed in the water, but her ankles, then knees and soon her thighs and hips as well. Once the water was up to her breast plate she stopped and threw herself underwater, her eyes wide open as she watched the bubbles float up to the surface. Through the murky water the bright sun still shone in the form of light rays. The ice mage stayed like this for a bit until she needed to go back up from the water, her head now above the surface the water rushed from her skin and hair.

Catching her breath Ultear out her hands through her hair and the pushed her body back a little towards the water, her arms and legs outstretched as her body now floated in the water. The sun shone bright on her exposed skin, the water glistening in the rays of the sun.

The nakedness reminded her much of when she used to sleep around every other night looking to fill the hole. No attachments and pleasure. Being a fugitive now, how was she supposed to get that pleasure and high? There was no one to love her for a night when she couldn't take her eyes of off Jellal and Meredy for fear of their safety.

Closing her eyes now the woman let herself float aimlessly in the cold deep water of the ocean, letting the small waves push her body around from side to side. Meredy would be hanging around that boy from Blue Pegasus and Jellal would be wandering around at the moment, no one to watch or catch the woman as she floated around. Pushing her head back the woman did a backflip under water he toes grazing the sand at the bottom. Her body span and her head emerged from the water and the time mage shook it, her raven hair throwing water off.

Taking a deep breath the woman kicked herself back under the water and swam around for a bit in order to be active. Moving her arms and kicking her slender legs she moved quite the distance when she arrived back up on the surface. Not bothering to look around, she dove back into the salt water and had fun for a little while in the cold salt water.

Coming out of the water once more she sighed, all she had with Jellal were memories and vision of what could never be. And soon, Meredy would want to embark further into her relationship with Eve and dwell further into the currently unknown. Where would that leave Ultear? Of course, it would be making sure Meredy and Jellal were happy. Who cared if she would live in this damnation called unrequited love? She will just have memories and visions of what was and what could have been, maybe her old habit of sleeping around like a whore will come back.

Even if she never knows of Jellal's true feelings.

All she has left is the songs of yesterday.

* * *

_Thus in winter stands the lonely tree, _

_Nor knows what birds have vanished one by one, _

_Yet knows its boughs more silent than before: _

_I cannot say what loves have come and gone, _

_I only know that summer sang in me _

_A little while, that in me sings no more._

_What Lips My Lips Have Kissed;Edna St. Vincent Millay_

* * *

_**A/N: Companion piece to Mona Lisa. Depressing wow, I might make a third piece and maybe HAVE JELLAL AND ULTEAR INTERACT OMG. Oh and maybe a little OOCness?**_

_**Anyway~**_

_**I hope you enjoyed :3**_

_**Have an awesome say, dearys!**_

_**-CupCake**_


End file.
